Suddenly discovering in your thirties that you are in fact
on the autistic spectrum is really something to come to terms with, not least
because you not only begin to understand yourself for the first time, but you
begin to work through a re-writing of you entire history. For me one of the most
eye opening moments must have been reading through all my old school reports.
I remember school as a difficult time because I remember
feeling different to the other girls throughout my school years. One of my
earliest memories involves glancing up at birds in the trees that had caught my
attention one afternoon during our lunch break. They fascinated me and I became
completely absorbed as I watched them fly through the blue sky and land in the
trees. The sound of all the children around me completely fell away and
although I was surrounded by children running here and there playing their
games, all I knew was the birds and the sky. I was about six years old. When I
looked down from the sky to the playground I found it empty and silent. Though
it seems as though only a few moments had passed while I had been watching the
birds, in fact time enough had passed for the bell to ring, all the children to
line up and return to
their classes. I was all alone, left, forgotten about. I had to bang on the
door for them to let me in, bewildered as I was about what had happened.
As my school years went on I felt no more included than I
was in that forgotten playtime. It hurts me now to read the reports that
clearly indicate a child that needed help, but was offered none.
‘She is sometimes rather
dreamy, but will persevere to finish the task in hand. She is something of a ‘loner’
in the class and seems to prefer playing with the boys or by herself.’ Head
teacher, aged 6.
‘Occasionally Sarah
seems to go into a world of her own. She is rather disorganised, is constantly
losing things and feeling annoyed with everyone and everything around her.’ Class
Tutor, aged 10.
‘Sarah’s standard of
work varies greatly. It can be of a very high standard but can also be “slapdash”
presumably according to her degree of interest. She has settled down
considerably this year. There have been very few outbreaks of socially unacceptable
behaviour.’ Class Tutor, aged 11
‘Her reading,
surprisingly, shows evidence of difficulty when encountering new words. This
seems to be more to do with difficulty in decoding rather than lack of
vocabulary.’ English Teacher, aged 11
‘Sarah’s contribution
in class is variable. Sometimes she seems to go off in a dream and has no idea
as to what is going on around her.’ Social Studies, aged 11
‘Sarah’s progress has been
slow this half year due to the fact that she is late to most lessons.’ Sports
teacher, age 12. This is because I struggled with the simple tasks of
undressing and dressing myself due to my lack of perception about how my body
relates to its surrounding environment (poor proprioception). This difficulty
was never recognised by my teachers. I was simply labelled ‘slow.’
To me these comments scream autism and dyspraxia. The fact
that I was a ‘loner,’ I was only good at what interested me, I played with the
boys more than the girls, I often became so absorbed in my own world that I
became oblivious to what was going on around me, I at times exhibited ‘unacceptable
behaviour’ and was unable to break down words to read them if I was not already
familiar with them. This is a problem my 7 year old son also has.
I have Aspergers, but Aspergers was not a diagnosis until
1994, when I was already 14 years old. When I was a six year old, 10 years old,
11 years old, struggling to fit in and work my way through mainstream
education, autism was defined by a lack of language development and a below
average intelligence. Clearly I did not fit this criteria. Yet teachers
expressed concern over my behaviour. They knew I was capable of more than I was
achieving, but they did not help me, they did not alert my parents, they simply
labelled me as slow, lazy and told me I should try harder.
Even though I know that those who taught me could not have
known that I was on the autistic spectrum, albeit at the high end, I still can’t
help but feel angry and cheated, because the help I needed was simply not there
for me.
Today it is my mission to ensure that my son has all the
help and opportunities that I can possible give him, and he will grow up
knowing that he is not a ‘loner’ with ‘unacceptable behaviour.’ He is a unique
individual, with exceptional abilities.
