Socialising

I have been putting off writing this post because I have so much to say that I can't think where to start, so I think the best thing is to just dive in and get writing.

Throughout my life I have always had this unshakable feeling that I was different to everyone else. I have spent years watching other people interact with each other, form friendships, form romantic relationships, and it's always felt as though they were all in on some valuable secret that I didn't know about.

When I was in school I was the child who spent a lot of time standing at the edge of the playground locked in my own little fantasy world playing by myself. It wasn't that the other children didn't like me, it was just that I didn't know how to react to them. I did have friends, but I found it difficult to really connect to other girls, as I have never had any interest in anything girly. Even today other women often seem like alien creatures to me because I just don't care about hair, or makeup, or clothes. I always felt much more comfortable with the boys as they were much less complicated and easier for me to understand than girls. Unfortunately I spent several years in an all girls school, and there is no doubt that this was the low point of my school days. It was at this time that I developed OCD and became a virtual nervous wreck.

By the time I reached my teenage years I'd had a little more practise learning how to talk to people from observing them for so many years, but I still had a lot to learn. I still didn't understand the concept of social chit chat. I just couldn't do it. I thought it was pointless to say something if its not important and interesting. Of course social chit chat is vital when meeting new people, (I know this now) and I remember being told on several occasions when I started going out drinking 'Why don't you talk, you're boring!' because if I didn't have something worth while to say I would just sit in silence. Even my husband is guilty of having said this to me years later when we first met - and he's never living it down! Talk about touching a nerve.

My late teenage years were a nightmare for me. All my girlfriends were going from one boyfriend to another and I couldn't find a single one...and it wasn't for lack of trying either. I was completely clueless when it came to flirting, but I would obsess about guys I was interested in so that they were all I could think about. No doubt I probably seemed like I was stalking them from time to time. It's probably no wonder they weren't interested, but it still broke my heart. I thought I must be some kind of freak, because I was the only one I knew who just couldn't get a boyfriend.

Things didn't improve too much in university. I was the only one in a flat of 12 people in the halls of residence who ended the first year without having anyone to move in with in second year. I ended up having to move in with complete strangers. It was not the uni experience I had been expecting. People told me they couldn't click with me because I was older than them, but I was only one year older than most of them and the same age as one of them. I think I was probably just too serious for them.

I am 32 years old now and not that confused teenager anymore. I have become very good at looking like I fit in socially, but believe me when I tell you that it does not come naturally to me at all. I have merely become very good a mimicking. When I meet new people I have a catalogue of questions that I know I can ask that are socially acceptable, and that will make it appear that I have an appropriate amount of interest in the other person. When I talk to people I am constantly monitoring eye contact, and making sure that I am doing it enough (but not too much) as this also does not come naturally to me. Throughout conversations I am constantly monitoring what I am saying, and what the other person is saying and working hard to try and seem like everyone else so that I can fit in.....and it's exhausting! After social situations I usually find that I am completely drained.

This would all be fine, if it wasn't for the fact that I still have a lot to learn. I still don't get jokes. Not ones with a punch line anyway. Please don't tell them to me, I won't find them funny and then I'll feel like and idiot. I also don't get hints. Don't try and be subtle with me I won't understand, and if you say one thing, but you mean another, the chances are I'm just going to take what you're actually saying literally and not read anything into it. In the same way, unless it's really obvious, I often miss sarcasm. I just can't hear that tone that tells me the person isn't serious. This has made me look like a complete idiot and given people a great laugh at my expense over the years. Sometimes I become so engrossed in talking about a topic that interests me that I become completely oblivious to the fact that the other person has no interest in what I am saying. I can also seem very abrupt at times and have often managed to really annoy people without understanding why what I've said would annoy them. It becomes extremely frustrating when you have good intentions in your head and your words only result in people shouting at you. I also find this quite confusing when it happens.

New social situations that I've never been in before, and therefore don't have an understanding of how to behave in, terrify me. I try to mix with people and do what my friends are doing, but sometimes it's really hard. Whenever I'm coming up to a new social event it keeps me up with panic attacks for nights leading up to it. I panic that I won't know what to say, or do, that I will shut down and not say anything at all, that I will say the wrong thing etc... I do not go out to socialise very often. It usually seems like a good idea initially, but the reality scares me and I often end up backing out.

Unfortunately this doesn't make me a very fun people for most people to hang out with and over the years I have become very aware that whenever I have a group of friends, it always goes well in the beginning, and then bit by bit they'll stop inviting me to things. Other people in the group remain in touch with each other, but I always end up feeling like I've been pushed out. I never see it coming, and it always hurts. I have had friendships that I didn't realise had fallen apart until I wasn't invited to a major life event. I'm completely clueless, but every time it happens it breaks my heart.

Guide to me - I don't want to be a social outcast; I want to maintain my friendships; I do care but I'm not always good a showing it; don't assume that I have understood you meaning or intention; please be patient with me as I'm not comfortable in all the social situations most people are and I can't help that; if I seem rude or abrupt I don't mean to be so please don't be offended; when I get left out of things it REALLY hurts because it is the story of my life and there's only so much rejection a person can take, please remember this.