My School Years

Suddenly discovering in your thirties that you are in fact on the autistic spectrum is really something to come to terms with, not least because you not only begin to understand yourself for the first time, but you begin to work through a re-writing of you entire history. For me one of the most eye opening moments must have been reading through all my old school reports.

I remember school as a difficult time because I remember feeling different to the other girls throughout my school years. One of my earliest memories involves glancing up at birds in the trees that had caught my attention one afternoon during our lunch break. They fascinated me and I became completely absorbed as I watched them fly through the blue sky and land in the trees. The sound of all the children around me completely fell away and although I was surrounded by children running here and there playing their games, all I knew was the birds and the sky. I was about six years old. When I looked down from the sky to the playground I found it empty and silent. Though it seems as though only a few moments had passed while I had been watching the birds, in fact time enough had passed for the bell to ring, all the children to line up and return to their classes. I was all alone, left, forgotten about. I had to bang on the door for them to let me in, bewildered as I was about what had happened.

As my school years went on I felt no more included than I was in that forgotten playtime. It hurts me now to read the reports that clearly indicate a child that needed help, but was offered none.

‘She is sometimes rather dreamy, but will persevere to finish the task in hand. She is something of a ‘loner’ in the class and seems to prefer playing with the boys or by herself.’ Head teacher, aged 6.

‘Occasionally Sarah seems to go into a world of her own. She is rather disorganised, is constantly losing things and feeling annoyed with everyone and everything around her.’ Class Tutor, aged 10.

‘Sarah’s standard of work varies greatly. It can be of a very high standard but can also be “slapdash” presumably according to her degree of interest. She has settled down considerably this year. There have been very few outbreaks of socially unacceptable behaviour.’ Class Tutor, aged 11

‘Her reading, surprisingly, shows evidence of difficulty when encountering new words. This seems to be more to do with difficulty in decoding rather than lack of vocabulary.’ English Teacher, aged 11

‘Sarah’s contribution in class is variable. Sometimes she seems to go off in a dream and has no idea as to what is going on around her.’ Social Studies, aged 11

‘Sarah’s progress has been slow this half year due to the fact that she is late to most lessons.’ Sports teacher, age 12. This is because I struggled with the simple tasks of undressing and dressing myself due to my lack of perception about how my body relates to its surrounding environment (poor proprioception). This difficulty was never recognised by my teachers. I was simply labelled ‘slow.’

To me these comments scream autism and dyspraxia. The fact that I was a ‘loner,’ I was only good at what interested me, I played with the boys more than the girls, I often became so absorbed in my own world that I became oblivious to what was going on around me, I at times exhibited ‘unacceptable behaviour’ and was unable to break down words to read them if I was not already familiar with them. This is a problem my 7 year old son also has.

I have Aspergers, but Aspergers was not a diagnosis until 1994, when I was already 14 years old. When I was a six year old, 10 years old, 11 years old, struggling to fit in and work my way through mainstream education, autism was defined by a lack of language development and a below average intelligence. Clearly I did not fit this criteria. Yet teachers expressed concern over my behaviour. They knew I was capable of more than I was achieving, but they did not help me, they did not alert my parents, they simply labelled me as slow, lazy and told me I should try harder.

Even though I know that those who taught me could not have known that I was on the autistic spectrum, albeit at the high end, I still can’t help but feel angry and cheated, because the help I needed was simply not there for me.

Today it is my mission to ensure that my son has all the help and opportunities that I can possible give him, and he will grow up knowing that he is not a ‘loner’ with ‘unacceptable behaviour.’ He is a unique individual, with exceptional abilities.