Meltdowns

Without a doubt the hardest part for me of being on the autistic spectrum, and of dealing with other people on the spectrum, is the meltdowns. This is the moment when the world seems to shift and crumble and all reason and control break down. My father is also on the spectrum and so throughout my life I have witnessed these meltdowns from the outside and I know how irrational they appear to everyone else. Now I am raising a child on the spectrum and have to deal with my son’s meltdowns on a daily basis, and the worst ones can shake you to your core because the behaviour is so far from the norm that it can be hard to cope with. From the inside it’s even more confusing because there is a lot more going on than people see from the outside.

I have heard an autistic meltdown likened to an iceberg, and I think this is a very good analogy. The tip of the iceberg is the eruption of emotion and complete loss of control that everyone else sees. Very often I will baffle my husband by exploding about a seemingly small thing such as the layout of the room, my need to have the door to the living room shut when watching TV when he wants it open because it’s hot, or it might be something small and seemingly innocent that he’s said. Whatever it is, it will make me shout and scream (yes literally scream) and more often than not I will abandon whatever it is we were doing and retreat to the quiet sanctuary of my bedroom to calm down. From his point of view my behaviour is a gross over reaction and completely unnecessary, but the chances are it’s not just what has set me off that’s bothering me. There may be a number of factors that have been building up and wound me up to a state where I can’t cope with even the slightest thing being out of place in my world.

I’d love to say these meltdowns are restricted to the home and are only seen by those who love me, but it wouldn’t be true. Whenever I go anywhere I always have a very clear plan about what is going to happen, when it’s going to happen, what it’s going to look like, how it’s going to feel, what people are going to say, and so on. If things don’t fall into place exactly the way I expect it to then I completely lose it. The panic rises in me to the point that I can’t control it and I rant loudly, pace back and forth, wave my arms around, and generally get very strange looks from everyone around me. Usually this is the point when my husband walks away and tries to distance himself from me until I’ve calmed down, and honestly, I don’t blame him. He has been extremely supportive and understanding, but he finds these public meltdowns very hard to deal with.

I had hoped that since I have become more self-aware that I would be able to control these meltdowns better. That I could see them coming and somehow avoid them. Sadly this is easier said than done. I have definitely become better at understanding when I am feeling more agitated, usually due to sensory overload (more of that in another post), but when the panic begins to rise in me there is nothing I can do to reign it back in – and I have tried. I do remain quite self-aware during meltdowns, but I lose control. It’s as though I’m trapped on the inside of this monster screaming at myself ‘Why are you reacting that way? You’re going to be so embarrassed later!’ 

Another form of meltdown that I often experience but which is less destructive, but can be equally embarrassing, is when I break down in tears. An unexpected piece of bad news will cause me to break down completely, regardless of where I am. It happens at home a lot and unfortunately it has happened in work several times. I don’t seem to have much ability to cope with anything negative at all and instead have a very childlike response to bad news. Usually when this happens it will send my mood into a deep slump that can last as long as a week.

Ultimately what meltdowns boil down to is an excess of emotion that is easily triggered by the unexpected coupled with an inability to control that emotion. There are many positive traits that come with having Aspergers, but meltdowns aren’t one of them. If there was one aspect of being on the spectrum that I could eliminate, this would be it, for myself, for my father and for my son.